And I can't change.

Even if I tried.

Even if I wanted to.

The first time I heard those lyrics I was driving the dogs home from some event and Vito was having one of his car anxiety episodes.  It wasn't a bad panic attack at least, but it was certainly heartbreaking.  And while I know the song itself has absolutely nothing to do with my little red dog's issues, the chorus still speaks to me.  

Vito usually has a few moments a day, whether at home, work, or in the car, that I look over at him and sigh.  If I'm having a rough day I might even say "stop being a freak."  I know he can't stop panting and I'm sure if he could speak he still couldn't tell me why he was freaking out.  Vito's lyrics would change slightly to

And I can't change.

Even though I tried.

Even though I wanted to.

Our drug progress is stalled.  We have not caught up to where we were a few months ago.  Car anxiety isn't increasing past mild+ levels at least.  Reactivity to people/sounds at work is averaging 1.5 times a day, not awful.  Separation anxiety, well it's easiest to never leave him anymore but for the most part he can handle being left in the morning if needed.  Random panting episodes at home makes him our alarm at 5:30am, our reminder to take him for walks, and his personal just go to bed now clock.  So not bad.  And of course there are still many good things such as our ability to trial in agility, and as his relative calmness to hang out in my cubicle at work when I'm not there most of the day (a feat that took 2 whole years to get to).  Just leaves me questioning the whole what to do next thing.

I already feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle with trying to maintain drive and enthusiasm in playing obedience/agility while the drugs are trying to keep him calm and relaxed.  These past  2 weeks I started doing the Couch to 5k program again with him and I've been doing it in the morning right after I give him his drugs.  He's a panting freak at that time in the house but is so incredibly happy at that time on our run/walks.  Major tucked butt and glee just radiates from him.  It's different if I do those run/walks in the evening; he enjoys it but is content to be that perfect partner just staying by my side.  

Current decisions on the table:
1. Leave him where he's at with his 3 drugs and be satisfied with where he is in life.   Also hope he can at least maintain it as Vito is not so good about that as shown through our history of dosage increases.

2. Increase the dose of his 2nd and/or 3rd drugs (Clonidine and Valium).  I'm pretty sure this option is a no go for me.  Or on the same lines I could give him a 3rd dose of Clonidine before going to bed.  It's supposed to be a 12hr drug but in Vito it's more of a 6-8hr one.  Seems silly to have to drug him up just for bed time though.

3.  Start over.  Scrap his daily dose of Prozac and begin a new main long-lasting drug.  His 40mg of Prozac is so high that we no longer have any new shorter acting drugs to try with it.  Since many of the longer lasting drugs take 6wks to see effects, this option 3 is a several month plan.  I don't know if I have the strength to do that yet.